Can I Really do this Writing Thing?

I've never connected with something quite as much as I have with writing, and this is all new for me. Am I fearful and anxious - of course. But my heart will lead the way.

Start over, reword, rephrase.

I think I’ve deleted this post four times, but I keep coming back to it. So, here goes.

I tell myself that “I’ve got this” and that many before me have written less, so stop holding yourself back!

I grapple with the underlying fears that have remained tucked away, ready to offer themselves up given the opportunity, and this is just the kind of event my fears feed on.

Creating content, becoming accountable, putting myself out there, being less vulnerable - that is some scary stuff. Forget that I have adopted the “new writer” label and pretend to know what I am doing. “Fake it, ’til you make it” is a saying I’ve heard often, and honestly, more times than not, in the writing world, I am winging it.

Up until this point, I am someone who has allowed herself to feel intimated by the works of others and chosen not to move through the feelings that arise. I wish to have the opportunity to stand firm in my feet, with a writer’s pen in hand.

But that’s ok. This more patient, older version of my younger intolerant self has granted me time and freedom to just be in the space I need right now. Some days are better than others.

You know the feeling of searching over and over for something, for someone to connect with? You start and quit and continue the cycle of a new hobby, a job, a group, or a new friendship? That has been my pattern on repeat over the years. Always searching, but never quite landing on that one thing that fills the inexplicable void I carry with me.

Until last year.

I surrounded myself in the written word for as long as I can remember, but to label myself a “writer” was too strong a force. Young Holly created for hours behind the wing back chair in the living room where pencils and paper were my companions and we explored life through writing, drawings, and crafts for hours daily, without judgement or fear. When I think about it in this moment, it is difficult to imagine I did all the things I long to do now - just for fun.

The past few months have been eye opening for me. Seeing phrases such as “just start writing”, and “keep writing” have continued to present themselves and I can no longer ignore the messages. I fought the notion of considering myself to be a writer, yet I continued to attach myself to other writers, secretly wishing their talent would rub off on me. I hid in plain sight and then one day, a fellow writer said to me “I always knew you were a writer”. I blushed in that moment, and it was like being seen for the first time. A kind soul allowed me to find the piece I was missing and that’s when I gave myself the permission to accept my title and continue the writing journey. Admittedly, I add adjectives such as novice, new, but hopefully those will disappear with time.

I have promised myself, dare I call it a goal, to take this year, 2024, to work on the craft of writing and to immerse myself completely. Being “all in” and jumping feet forward is something I know how to do. The difference now is I practice kindness and patience towards myself. 

The thought of my age pops up every now and again and I feel there is no shame in starting a craft later in life. Being in my early fifties, I believe this is my time to pursue writing, for whatever purpose it fulfills. I write from the heart, and for me, that is my reason for now and it is enough. Whether that evolves, time will tell, but I have placed enough pressure on myself in so many aspects of my life that I do not wish to do the same in this instance.

My plan is to have fun, be kind to myself and keep S.B. at bay (she’s my inner critic) and she loves to show up unannounced and in my weakest moments. S.B. is resting for now, while I write this small piece.

I will keep writing and allow myself this year to enjoy the process, to fully sit with my thoughts and revisit my younger self to uncover all I had tucked away.

Besides, this is a very good reason to go purchase a new notebook I’d say!

From the cozy shed in the backyard, I plan to create and share my ramblings for anyone who needs to hear them. Others have shared their vulnerabilities and as such, they unknowingly inspired me to keep going. In sharing my thoughts, I want to let others know it’s ok to start wherever you are in this life and bravery comes in all forms.